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05:45pm 07/09/2007
  new game

http://www.geocities.com/tohuvabohu
 
     

(everything is permitted)

 
   
02:58pm 24/01/2005
  apparently there are two informants who have been spreading information about me to my parents... furthermore, my parents have been reading this journal's friends only posts and have access to information that i would rather they not have... so as a result:

this journal is now officially discontinued

...


 
     

(6 say nothing is true and | everything is permitted)

 
   
10:36pm 01/01/2005
  this two and a half weeks of ski/board and detox have been interesting... i have experienced major shifts in my personal cosmology, with the death of amitoria and her consort at the hands of an old familiar i conjured up years ago... amitoria servered her purpose in delivering me my ego death, so i was ready to move on... i have been experimenting with the energy paradigm and i have been met with moderate success... i tried to cultivate anger in my sister and get her to knock on the door to the room i was in but instead my parents got angry my , but my sister still did knock on the door... my second attempt was to get my father to cough, but instead he burped... also it seems i have gained ten pounds over the vacation, which means my super-metabolism spell is begining to fail... it was good while it lasted... before the vacation i averaged about 3,000 calories per day and still didn't gain an ounce...

apparently i can still remain in the BS/MD program if i recieve a 3.75 each term for the next five terms... i was all but ready to give up on it, as it wasn't something i was interested to begin with, but i still feel that i ought to try if even just for the sake of my parents... does this mean i have to give up drugs... or atleast use them in moderation... this entire paragraph is supposed to be important... but somehow i don't care... i think i will try and if i fail to continue then so be it... i am considering getting a menial job at my university so i could set that time aside to studying (and subsequently pissing off my university by not doing what i am supposed to during work... just for fun of annoying the institution i have become a part of)... uncertainty...
 
     

(12 say nothing is true and | everything is permitted)

 
   
12:06pm 22/12/2004
  I used to get these things I call future-trips, where I would envision a non-existant future. I would dissociate reality and see years go by in minutes. The earliest future-trip I remember was when I was eight (I don't know how old I really was, but it was somewhere around there) and i held a tooth-paste cap in my hand. I imagined that I built an air-plane and used the cap as the nose of the plane. Then an interviewer asked me how I build it, and I replied "out of a tooth-paste cap."

There is another one I had over this summer; I have had many more since before then, but this one stands out in my mind. I was reading a book about historical financial schemes and then the scene switcded and all of the sudden I was in the future. In this future i was a financial genious and a master illuminati. I spent several days in that half awake half dreaming state.

Ever since college, where i have been smoking a lot of marijuana and doing morning glory, dxm, salvia, and amanita muscaria these future-trips have been becoming more frequent, particularly when I am stoned. They have ranged from being a cop, a teacher, a bussinessman, a fashion merchandiser, a film-maker, and a million other things. I think it is because of the point I am at in my life. I am eighteen, in college, and I don't know what I want to do with my life. My parents want me to be a doctor and do well in the Seven Year Med program, but i have no interest in it. Not only do i have no interest in it, but it seems that i have just failed out of it. I wanted to make my parents happy, so i pretended to want to do it, but by the second half of the term I knew i couldn't continue. Fuck. But everything is equal, why should it matter. :sigh: Why can't words express the concepts that I am trying to communicate? The only word that can encompass the situation is 'fuck'. What a strange word.

Why can't i simply pick one ego-complex and stick to it for longer than thirty seconds.

hail eris...
 
     

(2 say nothing is true and | everything is permitted)

 
   
11:58am 22/12/2004
  Fuck... i did far worse in school than i thought i would... fuck fuck fuck fuck... A, (A?), B, C, C, D... FUCK!!! i hate myself for being detached from this worry... i didn't want to tell my parents, so i just admitted that i didn't want to continue with the seven year med program and become a doctor... which is true... i think this will soften the blow when i tell them later...

yesterday night i had the strangest headache in the world... the bottom of my forehead hurt... half the time it was a headache, but for the other half it was an eyeache... it would stop hurting if i moved my eyes around... wierd...

i was in an awful mood yesterday... as if the serpent apophis gobbled up my head... i just paradigm shifted every time i blinked... as if i were experiencing postmodern consciousness... it was like a whirlwind... hmmm... enough similees, i feel like my highschool-sophmore english final paper... that is a very long noun "highschool-sophmore english final paper"... is that a noun? isn't language absurd? aren't i absurd? can i think of any more questions?
 
     

(everything is permitted)

 
   
03:14am 19/12/2004
  this is one of the worst botched rituals i have ever experienced... it began because tonight i was feeling empty, but not in the good way... a sort of awful emptiness that i had not experienced in a long time... so i decided it was an appropriate moment to enchant my dagger with lots and lots of energy (as part of that energy paradigm i am working on building)... so i got a bit of seed in a cup and then tore up a few favourite drawings and put them in my ritual cup... i then proceeded to ignite the papers after I shoved the dagger in the cup... unfortunately, i came home for the holidays, so i am doing this ritual in my bedroom... and now this is where i begin to botch the ritual... my mother knocked on the door so i quickly threw the burning papers out the window and hid my ritual instruments... after throwing the burning papers into the air i noticed a tenant that live on the bottom of the house must have noticed because the light turned on all of the sudden, but the next time i looked the light was out... but my mother the more urgent threat... so i baricaded the door and did a quick banishing ritual ( "atah malkuth vegeburah vegedulah leolam amen" with the dagger pointing to the appropriate places for each word)... i then found myself self washing the ritual instruments in the bathroom sink and then i sprayed aerosol in each of the four corners (part to get the smell of burning paper out and part for banishing)... i believe this is the first time i have ever attempted banishing in any of my rites... also, a day after the rite i noticed that there was a strange green streak that appeared on the dagger's handle  
     

(6 say nothing is true and | everything is permitted)

 
   
07:05pm 18/12/2004
  i have been reading about the many blends of magick and have decided to synthesize my own system... one of the mostg impressive systems seemed to be quigong, whose masters were reported to have all sorts of awsome super powers... so that inspired my system... a part of this system is that i have decided to invent a universal energy... it resides in all things and when one atains mastery over it one is omnipotent... i have decided to give it a secret name, so that i have power over it... i will also create a map of the energy body... the cool thing about this energy paradigm is it lends itself to spontainious magick where i can just previously stoed energy to any emergency situation... and i don't have to even store energy... in this paradigm energy is everywhere..  
     

(3 say nothing is true and | everything is permitted)

 
   
12:32am 17/12/2004
  i attempted astral projection just now... i would say half my life has been lived on the astral... but i still have never attained an out of body experience... i attempted it with a hair dryer laid down next to me, blowing at my face... i entered a state where i had no control over my body, as if my physical being were a pile of stones... my hands felt as if they were up-side-down or in-side-out or something... i attempted to roll out of my body but it didn't work... i was able to visualize a ghost body, but it didn't feel as real as my regular body... actually i didn't feel it at all... instead of astrally projecting i had another ego-loss experience where i stopped depending on other people for validation or even for knowledge... i also decided upon setting up a grand ritual to exeperience a journey into the underworld, perhaps alone in the woods... but i do feel that i should continue attempting an out of body experiences...  
     

(10 say nothing is true and | everything is permitted)

 
   
09:47pm 12/12/2004
  ok so i have had an enlightenment experience that has topped all of my previous enlightenment experiences... it is basically the same thing, except that i have attained even more lucidity (and simultainiously the exact opposite) i got it while reading Julius Evola's "Revolt Against the Modern World"... i can't seem to put this one into words... or explain it in anyway i can think of... but i think that is the point... all the words that come to mind are aproximations and absolutely wrong... now i get why the book of law and the tao te ching are so cryptic... but i will try and make it as clear as possible...

it is anatta... it is kether... it is just a more accurate grasp of chaos magick... it tells me that "why" is bull shit... it is [not] true... but that is not true... because it is a contradiction... but it is also the exact opposite... it's an un-contradiction... it's both a contradiction and an uncontradiction... but no... it is a contradiction only... no no... it is an uncontradiction only... it is neither... or all of these at once...

words are boring... and drugs are good... but magick and mysticism are better... and the hierarchy is the exact opposite... magick is bad and drugs are good but words are the best... or both are true... and everything is permitted...

This is a lie! it's really all about the lack of desire... but this is a lie too... i feal bad that i will just lead you on to the wrong path... but that's okay because my words have no meaning...
 
     

(5 say nothing is true and | everything is permitted)

 
   
02:54pm 09/12/2004
  somehow i conviced myself that joining the air force is a good idea... yes... i could be a Radio and TV Broadcasting Apprentice... according to millitary.com, they are cameramen, scriptwriters, announcers, directors and equipment operators who use tape recorders, turntables, video switchers, dimmers, radio consoles and other broadcasting equipment... or maybe i could be a translator...

ok now it is a new one... i want to move to Los Angeles or some other city on the west coast... and maybe do temp work or something... and then i could have lot's of mobility when i get board...

a couple of days ago i decided i wanted to get into fashion merchandising and move to new york (after watching sex and the city)...

i have also had a bussiness major one after thumbing through the Disinfo book of lies...

finally i really feel the urge to experiment with art, music,and especially film...

oh and how could i forget... the new stoned magick project is empathy/intuition...
 
     

(5 say nothing is true and | everything is permitted)

 
   
10:35pm 06/12/2004
  the moment i recieve my debit card i go to the ATM to withdraw 50 dollars to partially repay akiva what i owe him... i leave my debit card at the ATM, so i ahve to go back to the bank tomorrow... this ritual loosing of the debit card was a sacrafice to the gods for what i was about to do... i then went to a head shop to buy a bowl... we christened it with salvia and i named it after Amitoria... treating the bowl as a fetish so i could invoke her powers of intuition when smoking from it...  
     

(2 say nothing is true and | everything is permitted)

 
   
09:31pm 02/12/2004
  my early marijuana experience with akiva went something like this: i was seeing everything a second before it happened... i was contanty a step ahead of myself... but slowly thing started changing... i started seeing futures... when akiva and i were stoned and on three and a half perkaset... i had a vision of something i had to do... it as a moment of clarity hich permitted me to peak at the deck and figure out hat i need to do... if things don't work out here, at the end of this year i would go to the west coast and join the millitary and seek my future abroad ... i would also join an occult-religion (like the temple of set, gnostic church, or thelema)... i would seek discipline and adventure... and it would take me on a different direction... the next day i decided joinging the millitary idea would have been really bad if i took it seriously... fortunately i have a new stoned idea today... i want to be a teacher... while yeterday's theme was adventure, today's is leasure... i am bogged down with all of this school work and all i can think about i free time... also i would have the oppertunity to spread some of the meme i have been infected with to highschool age children... and when i retire i could open an occult shop... each vision of the future i have been recieving seems to be becoming progreively more acurate, though each one is radically different... soon maybe i will be able to transcend time...

it is as if i am able to see into the future and channel what i going to happen, but a circumtance change so does the future... my theory, preently, is that this was granted by Amitoria, my personal Babalon... Amatoria was an entity i channeled during the spring of 2004... i envisioned her as a godde of enlightening hedonism... and the power i attributed to her was the ability to ee into the future... after i channeled the name i found out that the word Amatoria (Amitoria with an 'a' intead of the first 'i') mean love in latin (or atleat 'ars amatoria' mean art of love)...

today i hope to invoke Amatoria for further divination and perhap for the protection of her disciple... even though i am becoming increasingly more in control of my reality i have trace of fear of rapid change in me... but it is what i want... i am driving into a wall at contantly accelerating speeds... but eventually i will reach singularity and i will transcend the wall i hope... ego loss wass juts the begining... transcending time is the next big step...
 
     

(everything is permitted)

 
   
11:57pm 27/11/2004
  my understanding for buddhism is minimal but after reading this ( http://reluctant-messenger.com/gospel_buddha/chapter_53.htm ) i have become convinced that i would make a good buddhist... i have read books about buddhism before ut i was always unimpressed... it was all of the stuff about compassion and karma and reincarnation and bodhisatvas that scared me off... it always seemed hokey and fake... like just another meme-scheme like christianity or islam... i mean i was always impressed by the stuff about impermience and nonself, but then i got it... in the website to which i gave a link i read the buddhas commentary about reincarnation... nd it made sense... he talked about a flame that was burning... but then someone put it out... and then relit the same oil... is it the same flame... and then i began to think about the compassion aspect of buddhism and it started to make perfect sense.... compassion=selflessness=nonself...  
     

(5 say nothing is true and | everything is permitted)

 
   
09:53pm 27/11/2004
  it turns out it was all in my head... my parents didn't hate me... they accept the person that i am... it turns out that after disowning that occured a little over six months ago my parents came to terms with my bisexuality... they didn't hate me at all even though i was convinced that they did... i was just being hostile for no reason...

when i imagined what ego loss would be like i thought it would entail death... but it doesn't have to... instead you can experience insanity... i paradigm shift all of the time now, as if nothing is true and everything is permitted... when i watch a cop show i wish i could be a cop... when i talk to a buddhist i become a buddhist... when i listen to talk radio i become conservative, but when i listen to npr i am liberal, yet when i speak to an objectivist i am a libertarian... a few minutes ago i read an article from a materialistic reductionist perspective and i suddenly found myself denying my non-self and i became a rational normal person... some times i am in complete control of it... but sometimes i am not... some times i become a compulsive liar or i become antisocial... sometimes i will spend hours sitting down in front of a hair dryer (like say now) and then at other times i will feel a sudden impulse to go outside and run and get into better shape... i will start putting on my sneakers and then i decide i have to read and become more well rounded... and then i will decide that what is really important is money... and i have to build a meth lab...so i open up a website about how to synthesize speed and then i come to the conclusion that drugs are bad.... but then i decide that only psychadelics are good... and what is really important is spirituality and so i pick up a book on kabalah but then i decide that what is really important is that i find love...

even now that i reread what i wrote just now i have decided that what i wrote was com0plete crap and that non of it is true and right before i was about to delete this entire entry i realised that i should reread it again... i reread it and all of the sudden it reads like the secrets of the universe...
 
     

(3 say nothing is true and | everything is permitted)

 
   
08:45pm 26/11/2004
  i want to build a hippie bus and go cross country in it... my parents did that for their honeymoon... may 1st 1981... at the end of june my parents went cross country... they slept in a vw bus in camp grounds... but i want my journey to be more flamboyant... something more like ken kessey and the merry prankster... with lot's of drugs...  
     

(2 say nothing is true and | everything is permitted)

 
   
05:16am 26/11/2004
  it is 4:40 in the morning and i just got home... the story begins last april or may... i forget when it was... it is sad, because it was such a turning point in my life... i have a guy head and wrote about it in my journal... then my parents read the journal entry... the were freaked out and disowned me... they felt that homosexuality was dangerous and wrong for me... so there solution was to disown me... but i beg and cryed and did everything to make things better between my parents and me... and things did gt better... or at least they quited down... so now fast forward a little bit and it is thursday november 26th... thanksgiving day... i plan on going out to brooklyn with 1_2_3_17... it is 8 pm and my mom says that it is too dark outside for me to go out... i am infuriated... i am 18 years old and she is teling me when i can and cannot leave the house so i explode... i admit everything... i admit that i have a boyfriend... at this point she is enraged... she tells me that i will get aids and makes other insults... then she starts to cry... but i am fed up so i leave... my little sister comes with me... i come to amanda's (1_2_3_17's) house and she gets out worried sick about her boyfriend... she thinks that he is cheeting on her and hard drugs... i try and comfort her but i am really bad at it... the three of us (my sister, amanda, and i) go to brooklyn to meet max (amanda's boyfriend)... we go to some guys place and drink old english and smoke four joints... somehow i end up buzzed and stoned-ish... i end up getting punched by boxers... on my own accord... somehow in my intoxicated state i consented to being punched... but everything was good... it was about three in the morning and the person whose apartment we are staying in asks if all those who are not sleeping there could leave... i want to sleep at home rather than there so i leai hve... waiting for the train i end up making conversation with an accountant, and engineer, and a security guard... each had a unique story to tell and by the end of the night i found my self comming to a stark conclusion... that i want to be in control of my money rather than have my money control me... by this i mean i shouldnt let my parents boss me around... and i shouldn't become a wage slave... i have to get money on my terms... through my own wiles... i have to be in control lest i be controled... this may seem petty considering i am experienced ego death and a host of other enlightenments... but right now it makes sense... i hope that the next time i read this i don't think to my self what the fuck was he thinking when he wrote this... tomorrow i will probably be consumed by idealism and say that money doesn't matter... enjoyment is all a state of mind... but money does mean somethine... it is a metaphore for the material world... and by ignoring money i am only playing the selfdeception game... where i tell myself whatever will make me happy so that i can placate my common sense... not that i have this common "sense"... but anyway... by being successful in the material status oriented world that people like my parents live in i could satisfy not only my own reality but theirs... but i am not trying to please my parents... i just want to maximize my freedom to act... after all that is what chaos magick, ego loss, shamanism, and everything else i do is geared towards... more freedom... i could be just as free without money... but... like always... both options are good... neither is better... so how do i choose one... perhaps i could let it choose me... i will see if grades come easily to me... i will see how easily money comes to me... but this all passive... my existance is a paradox... every decission is impossible... i should try and maximize my bussiness sense though... i should make every opertunity a bussiness opertunity... i want to own things... i think this is what it is all about... i want society to accept my ownership of things... i own the world but no one else recognises that... i just want to own things in the normal way... how do i end this entry? like this i guess...  
     

(3 say nothing is true and | everything is permitted)

 
   
10:59am 25/11/2004
  when akiva whent to florida three weekends ago i called him sunday while on the train on my way to manhattan so i could get back to philadelphia... we decided to date... later that day when he made it back he and i had decided upon having a picnic... during that picnic we created an egregore called Ravience... this sunday when we meet back up again i want to activate ravience and try setting him into action... today i want to cast spells on him and make him serve me in all sorts of ways...

theses are things i have to remember:

  • i have to stop asking why... "why" is a waste of time... it doesn't mean anything...

  • i have to stop getting in to habits and routines.... i have to be random and sporatic... i have to stop letting my thoughts get in the way of my action... i get into these paradigms and let them guide my life... like these are gods i am invoking and they take control of me... but i shouldn't let them limit me...

  • i have to stop obsesing over the future... i have to stop worrying about what is going to happen next... akiva taught me to live in the moment and it is the most wonderful thing in the world...

oh but i love thinkign of the future... i want to be rich and eccentric... i want to be aristocratic... and i want to travel especially to europe and the west coast... and be handsome... and i want to live forever...i want to live a wonderfully adventurous life... i want to commit many crimes... i want to start a conspiracy... or join a conspiracy... or i wish i could be an in keeper in a wealthy vacation spot... i just want to live something interesting...

but everything is so great now... everything is best with akiva... but even now when i am away from him everything is still good... all of the things i mentioned in the previous paragraph really aren't important... but it would be nice if they could just casually happen...
 
     

(2 say nothing is true and | everything is permitted)

 
   
04:34pm 23/11/2004
  Brian Toy, akiva's roomate has just left and akiva is packing a bowl... jason decided, upon looking at the com-puter, that jason should write a journal entry... since jason is still stoned he decided to write it in a wierd way... the way i decided to write it wasx in the format of:

project name: jason decided that here is where akiva writes a title
project description:here is where the description of where each project that jason came up with when stoned...
jason:here is where jason makes a comment about the project...
akiva:here is where akiva makes a comment...
end note: this is where i add another comment if fell the need to...

name so here is it:
Read more...Collapse )
 
     

(everything is permitted)

 
   
07:16pm 20/11/2004
  today i woke up and layed in bed with akiva till two in the afternoon... then we went to the cefteria and then i took lots of benadryl and akiva took voakonga afrikana or something like that... one of the benadryl exploded so i snorted it... we then smoked some weed and here i am typing my life out into the journal...  
     

(everything is permitted)

 
   
03:26pm 19/11/2004
  akiva and i just went to the cafeteria where we sprinkled 50 grams of Amanita muscaria on Peperoni Pizza and Peanutbutter and Jelly sandwiches... the peanut butter and jelly was awful but the peperoni pizza was good... the common dose is 5-10 grams high dose is 10-30... we did 25 grams each... we are about to smoke a bowl to prevent nausea... and now i am here.... 789 mg of dxm.... and then we keep smoking weed... i reached a nice trip, nothing very heavy or frightening... we had sex and walked around philly... now i am back and akiva is making the bed...  
     

(4 say nothing is true and | everything is permitted)